My Growth is not to be Minimized

Reading through 3 and 4 year old blog entries has made me wonder about some things. Have I really changed as much as I think I have? Am I actually growing? I am a very harsh judge of the individual who wrote those posts back then. I am ashamed of her. I deleted many posts refusing to even upload them. I can't stand to think of how immature I was then...

But in reading the content of those entries, I see that I have many of the same struggles as that person. I have 3 and a half years on her, but little good that has done me. Pride, doubt, distance in relationship with Him, distraction, sin - these were her struggles and these are mine. I like to think that I have grown and matured so much. Well, I am married now. I have some real work experience behind me. I'm working on a graduate degree. But obviously, these things are only superficial. 

What has actually changed is my level of contentment. I am content. Yes, it's true that I try to live in the future and neglect the present far too often, but when I slow down to think about it, I am quite content with my present. I have more joy. I have learned to trust Him when I don't know the outcome. To a very small degree, I have learned that He want's what is best for me, and that He alone knows what that is in every circumstance. I have learned to let go of some of my own goals in order to leave room for His. I have even learned what His voice sounds like. I have become less afraid of the judgment of others and I have learned how to turn over my own tendency to judge. I have recognized my intense anger. 

I wish I knew how to walk the line between pride and self-condemnation, but I don't. If I say "I have grown so much" my tendency has been to become prideful of that fact or to try to minimize it by reminding myself of the places I have not grown. On paper, the line looks clear, but it feels so different in my head!

I don't know how much of my growth is God's glory and how much is mine (or shared?). I suppose I don't need to know this and my desire to find out is evidence that the resolution of my pride issue is yet to come. I'm still scared that He will withhold from me what I deserve, or perhaps that I will withhold it from myself out of a fear of pride. Thoughts are complicated. I'm glad I'm writing them down. 

My Faith is Weak

I'm not even sure where my doubts lie, but I know I have them. I know I have them because I know the fear I encounter when I contemplate thinking about them or trying to come up with answers for them. I am scared of  following through on my doubt and being overcome by the seductive appeal of agnosticism or some vague form of theism. I want to be a believer, but how genuine am I if I have to ignore my doubts in order to keep "believing"? - Sounds more like ignorance than belief to me. 

I know I need to deal with the doubt sometime. I need to trust that God, who made me and knows me, will guard me from the fate I fear. He is invested in me and wants to bring me to completion rather than toss me aside as a partially refined precious metal. The hard part is that in my moments of unbelief, I don't know if there is a God there to trust. 

When I fear there is no God (or some other distant god who I don't know) then there is no one I can trust to protect me from running away with my doubts. I must protect and defend myself. But if I do indeed need to protect myself, then my beliefs about God, as I currently know Him, are wrong, and I am not looking to protect myself at that point, but to keep myself misinformed. I guess logic says: If God exists as I currently know Him, then He will protect me from false beliefs (theism, agnosticism, heresy, etc.). However, If God as I currently know Him does not exist, then there is no need for protection. In either case, I do not need to defend myself from exploring the doubt and finding answers. 

It would help, though, to know what my questions are. I used to be certain that my doubts were about the historical Jesus, now I'm not sure. I'll have to think/pray about this one....then I/we (me & Jesus) can start addressing them. I'm actually excited to finally start the process!

My Help is Coming

God, sometimes I get so angry that I exist so confined in this mortal body. Why have you done this? Was it even you who did this? Aren't you in control of everything? Why have you not healed me when I have asked? Are you teaching me something through this? I'm sure you are. I'm sure it's worth it. I'm tired. I think I'm ready for healing now. But what do I know? It sucks that right now I'm trying to argue with you, but I'm too logical to really let that play out. I've been furious. I've been completely over this. But now in expressing this to you I feel that my cup just isn't that big. Others have cried out to you. Can I? Or will it somehow be fake if I do? What a stupid thought.

Even if my physical problems aren't that big, I'm sure my emotional problems are. I would ask that you please heal them at least, but then I know that you already are. I'm asking anyway. I want to focus on some problems and work things out in writing, but everything is too good right now. I don't have the feelings of middle school angst that so easily lend themselves to arguing. Am I supposed to have that? Am I missing something or am I to be grateful for this feeling of peace? I think the latter. Right? It's good to be content I think. Can I be a revolutionary if I'm content?

I don't know the answers. I know that you already know that these are my thoughts right now, but I'm giving them to you anyway. Will you sift through them and give me back the ones I'm supposed to have? Will you toss away the others? Will you stir up in me discontentment where its supposed to be? Will you help me change what I need to change and admit what I need to admit? Will you defend me from now on? I'm ready to turn in defending myself. I don't even know when I need defending so its best that I just step out of that role.

Will you be my motivation? Will you be what I strive toward rather than just the desire I have for others to see you in me? Are these questions even for you? Should I be asking myself instead what I am willing to do? If so, I'm willing to do it all. I know that I can't comprehend the meaning of that, but there's at least a degree to which I know it is true. I'm ready. I want only what you want. If you want to expose me, I think I'm game. But then why would you want that? I don't know, but if you do, I'm game. I don't know how much of this is coming out of my pride. Will you search me and refine me? I'm ready for the pride to go. I'm serious about that. I'm ready for the only thing I boast in to be knowing you. When I get there I'm trusting that you will allow that not to become a pride issue.

I'm glad that I am getting to experience you on earth. What a long life this would otherwise be! I love you. Loving you is kind of like tithing I think. You give me all love and I give you back 10% on the good days. Is this what you were hoping for when you made me? I hope that I look like you. I hope there's a family resemblance so that when I get lost in the grocery store, other people can look at me and know exactly who my father is. That's what I want when I have kids, so I bet you want the same thing. I want to look like you. If I don't will you change me quickly? I do love you. Please help me love you better. Please strengthen my belief in you. Thank you for peace. I feel it.

My Burdens are Self-Imposed

In the same way that God ultimately deserves the glory for all of "my" accomplishments, He also has freed me of the responsibility to perform. I don't have to paddle up stream in my ministry, I just have to turn it over to God and release myself from unrealistic expectations of how much I must achieve. It is stressful to give myself credit for the good works I have done because the logical conclusion I will bring myself to is that I am also to blame for thebad deeds and the good works that have gone undone. Though I know that there is an extent to which I am responsible for my choices and deeds, I have not been called to live a life defined by remorse and guilt.

I think I probably need to try less and just be. The whole problem here seems to be that I have not fully relinquished control of myself to Him. If I had then I wouldn't find myself repeatedly encountering the same struggles and succumbing. I wouldn't have to try so hard to maintain self-control, because He would already be in control. If I could just BE in Christ then the striving, the kind of striving that comes out of myself and depletes me when I am already low, would be unnecessary. Since Christ is already in me, and I in Him, then I already am the real deal. Why am I still performing the role of Christian when that is my ACTUAL identity? And though that is my identity, why do I find myself still driving up-hill using my own makeshift fuel - which I have formed using the clothes off of my own back and the food off of my own plate - when I have an unlimited supply of God's premium grade fuel within reach???

I'm especially frustrated because I know that my exhaustion, my less-than-Christ-like behavior at work, my burdens, are self-imposed. He's already offered to carry them, and I think He already is. I've just gotten so used to having a pack on my back that now my body has to re-learn how to walk upright. I'm carrying a phantom back-pack and the very expectation of its presence is so heavy that I cannot run.

LORD JESUS CHRIST HAVE MERCY ON ME, KAREN, A SINNER........

My Sin is Pride

I have had blogs several times in the past and have even been quite consistent in updating them. Recently, however, for the past two to three years, I have had no blogs, no journals, no diaries, etc. I need to write. I have a ton inside that I need to get out.

I struggle with things that never surface. I allow myself to be alone in my trials. I martyr myself without cause. I slow my healing. I am alone, but I am not reaping the benefits of solitude. I think and I process, but I do not know myself. I want to. I want to reflect, to turn inward, to experience my own internal cognitive and emotive processes, but I run from the experience when I feel it get too close. I play games. I distract myself from fruitful solitude. I am terrified of solitude, not of being apart from people, but of being apart from worthless thoughts. What will I find? Will I even reach that point? Can I reach the point? I am terrified of not playing and re-playing every thought. I am terrified of not worrying about tomorrow. I am terrified of turning in my daydreams in exchange for life.

I dread work, but I dread play too. I feel guilty. I am guilty. I don't know why it is so hard for me to do what I should. The hard thing is that even when I am not doing what I should, the "good person" - ness of my life convinces me that I have arrived. Even now, typing this at work, on the clock, I feel guilty, rightly so. But I know that I will still be complemented for being a good employee and sometimes I let that be enough. I am special. I don't need to try harder because I am already good, great even.

I sit in judgment of others and marvel at my own excellence. I am cocky. I am boastful, but only to God and myself. I am proud that I am able to appear humble despite my near perfection. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of the energy it takes to compare myself to everyone else. I'm sick of not allowing myself to have friends because I have placed them in a lower class than my own. I don't want to say "it was God" when someone appreciates MY actions. I want to deserve the complement and take it all for myself. I'm jealous of God. What do I do with that??

My Desire is to Seek Him: Struggling (from previous blog)

I've been struggling with something pretty big lately. Though I desire to want to do what is right and good and godly, I seem only to want what I know is wrong. My desires for these things have recently been outweiging my desire to do right so much so, that even in the moment when I am doing what I should not be doing I think about Christ's suffering for me and how much I am hurting Him and yet I push Him out of my mind and continue to sin.

My desires right now couln't be further from God's. I want to return to where I was not long ago when I truly wanted to please Him. Now, I claim to want conviction. But when I am convicted of something, I ignore the conviction without thinking twice. No wonder it is becoming so hard for me to hear God speak to me. I have become so used to blocking His voice out or just ignoring Him that I probably don't always notice when He speaks to me now.

Before I started writing this post Romans 7 came to mind. At least Paul's desires were in the right place, even if he wasn't always able to resist sin. At least his aim was to please God. I long to long for that again but right now that's not where I am. Even worse is that I know exactly how to get back to that point and I know that it is the right thing to do, but I'm not sure that's what I'm going to do.

My Focus is Off: 15 Minutes of Fame....or Not (from previous blog)

My friends and I were talking today about embarrassing childhood memories. It was quite entertaining as well as humiliating as more and more embarrassing events kept coming to mind. What was comforting is that one of the friends I was talking with had actually gone through some very similar experiences in his childhood. Because the conversation was so enjoyable, mostly at my expense, I decided to share it with whoever may be reading this.

The focus of our conversation was our childhood experiences as members of a band. When I was about 10 I had a very strong desire to be in a band. Despite my lack of ability in the song writing department, I was determined to come up with Christian lyrics to as many songs as I possibly could. And I didn't stop there, I also composed every song I wrote (It isn't everyone who can do that successfully at age 10) using only 5 keys on my keyboard (so that I could play comfortably with one hand). I really was quite proud of myself, being only 10, and still having managed to become a song writer and composer. I was quite talented compared to the rest of my peer group.

I didn't come from a musical background. The only instrument I owned was my keyboard, which I had unsuccessfully attempted to figure out on several occasions. I had a hand-me-down stereo system which had previously belonged to my parents, a few blank cassette tapes, my brother's broken headset, and a computer microphone. The headset's sole purpose was to make me look like I was in a recording studio (like I had seen in a Hanson video). Because I didn't feel that my possessions would suffice for a band of two or more members, I began saving up money which I would spend on additional musical instruments. Because I was set on being a drummer, my parents bought me an electronic mini drum set as a birthday gift. I invested nearly all of my money on products I found in my Musician's Friend magazines. To my collection I added one additional microphone, a microphone stand and boom, an extra set of drumsticks, 2 tambourines, a shaky egg thing, and a multicolored strobe light. I also borrowed my parents’ headset/microphone combinations (as was becoming popular for famous musicians to wear during concert performances). I was set. Only one thing was missing....people for my band.

I lived 20 minutes away from almost all of my friends and, being 10, I didn't yet drive. But I wasn't about to let that minor complication stand in my way. Being that I was hoping for a band with more than one member, I began the search to see who was best qualified for the positions that needed to be filled. The role of drummer and lead singer was filled from day one. Though I had no musical ability of any kind (including the ability to carry a tune), I felt that I was more than qualified for this position. I only needed someone to play the keyboard and another member to play the guitar, or if they weren't skilled in that area, the tambourine or even the egg. I filled these roles with various people for weeks at a time. Each time there was a new member, the name of the band would change. SonLight, God Sent, Daisy, The Lord Exists...and I'm sure the list goes on.

Along with each new name came a new photo shoot. Sometimes my fellow band members and I wore matching outfits. Our poses were generally based on something we had seen in the last issue of TeenBeat magazine. Because publicity was so important, I worked overtime to write up articles about the band members from an objective, 3^rd person point of view. I was planning on eventually publishing a magazine that would provide our band with a decent amount of exposure. I made multiple magazine covers on Microsoft Word with our band’s pic front and center. I also had each band member fill out the Q&A sheet I came up with. On it were questions such as “What types of foods do you hate?”, “What musical artist has been most influential on your growth as a musician?”, and “What advice do you have for other musicians who would like to start a band?” On one occasion my band signed t-shirts we were giving out as the grand prize for successful submission of a band-themed word scramble from our unpublished magazine. 

Though none of my bands ever had a fan base, we never performed for anyone (other than immediate family), and the song lyrics have since been forgotten, I was sure I had it all together when I was 10. I don’t keep in touch with my former band mates and I have yet to acquire any musical ability. But for a while, this was my obsession. It consumed my thoughts day and night. I have since moved on from my band days. My thoughts are now filled with more grown-up obsessions in place of my childish ambition to be the lead singer of a band. But just how nothing significant ever came of my music phase, much of what I’m doing now will be of no eternal value. It’s easy to get stressed about school (or work) without ever realizing that this isn’t everything. In fact, it isn’t anything. Everything we experience on this earth is temporary. The only thing I can do that will have any eternal significance is glorifying God and allowing Him to use me to further His Kingdom. It’s so easy to lose this mindset and get caught up thinking that what I’m doing is somehow of great importance. It’s easy to fall into the trap of being 10 and wanting nothing other than to have my own band. But eventually, only memories will remain and nothing will have been accomplished. 

“For bodily exercise profits a little, but godliness is profitable for all things, having promise of the life that now is and of that which is to come.” 1 Timothy 4:8